Friday, June 26, 2009

Cause I'm the Mom

This is going on my kids' bedroom walls, framed. The Cafe Press poster reads:

DO YOU LIKE LIVING IN THIS HOUSE?
WAYS TO ENSURE I DON'T KICK YOU OUT:

Place all dirty dishes in the kitchen sink before going to bed each night. (Bonus points for rinsing.)

Place all dirty laundry down the chute before going to bed each night.

Ensure all dirty laundry is right-side-out and, if necessary, spot treated.

Do not use upholstery or bedding as a tissue. Boogers & snot-glaze do not belong on the arms of the sofa or the sides of your mattress.

Do not use upholstery or bedding as a napkin, either. Wipe greasy fingers on a napkin or even on shirt! (See above re spot treating.)

DON'T SPILL STUFF.

Don't create environments ripe for spilling stuff. Leaving glasses of juice on the table for the cats to knock over during the night is just. plain. stupid.

If stuff is spilled, fetch someone who knows what the hell they're doing to aid in its clean-up IMMEDIATELY -- not three days later, after the nail polish has become a permanent part of the decor.

Wipe the kitchen counter (and NOT onto the floor, either) after preparing food.

Don't give the cats people food unless you're prepared to have your nose rubbed in cat puke the next day.

Turn off lights & televisions when you're the last person leaving a room.

Learn how to thoroughly wipe your ass (without clogging the commode). No one wants their clothing laundered with underwear that look as if they were used as toilet tissue. It's just too damned gross.

REPLACE THE TOILET TISSUE if you use the last of the roll. (Don't know where it is? ASK! It's NOT hidden, and it's not a secret.)

Speaking of the toilet, should you take a Black Sunday dump, please wipe the underside of the seat so that it doesn't dry craptacularly speckled. (See below re microwave and splatters.)

If you make a mess, CLEAN IT UP! Leaving it for someone else is rude and inconsiderate, no matter how old you are. Period.

A good example: the microwave. It takes all of 30 seconds to wipe away the Beefaroni splatters if done while they're still wet. Two hours later, a power tool is required. Popcorn grease? Same thing.

If I step on a Lego in my bare feet again, everyone will be punished. It will be brutal and likely involve forced consumption of dead bugs. Lesson? PICK UP YOUR TOYS!

Thanks. Your cooperation will make life so much more pleasant for everyone. I'll be happier, and you won't have to sleep on a park bench.

Love, Mom

2 comments:

Tarl said...

1stly. LOL

2ndly...I'm sorry about your poor foot. I know your pain all too well.

3rdly. You an I have like...the same rules...You're invited to live in the DIVACOMMUNE should that ever be created/lived in. =-)

Jenna Alexander said...

Here's another one on my list:

When you wash your hands do it thoroughly. Wetting a couple fingertips on each hand and not using soap is not considered washing. You are just giving the germs a drink.

Jenna